All Sasha

Is this an ending? A beginning? Or is it really something else?

Today marks a day of ending...and a new beginning. But the transition of presidential power, also gave me pause to think about transitions of a more personal, intimate nature. The transition of the relationships we have and hold with others, and in particular, our romantic and intimate others.  I wonder, do relationships ever really end amicably? I think not. People might say they do,profess they do, even act as though they do. But in the end, a relationship ends because something or someone is not being fulfilled, somewhere by someone else, or by their own expectations. We mourn. And often, it's difficult to say good bye or at least to move forward without some regret. And then sometimes, we stay attached to what once was, or to the idea of what once was. This is a conundrum for me, I think. I wonder, is it the person I miss, or the routine we established, or is it the intimacy? The closeness to someone else?  What is it that we mourn for when it is time to close a chapter on a relationship with someone?

A (belated!) Happy New Year!

(Insert ashamed face here). 

Yes, here we go again, it's been a long time, dear reader. And lots has been going on! Really, truly. I'm still writing away, on that thing known as a doctoral dissertation. And in between writing and dating and socializing, I have even managed to squeeze in some quality and oh-so-incredibly taxing tropical beach vacation time....where I was, ahem, forced to strenuously work on my tan...with mojito and trashy novel in hand, of course. :-)

Despite a detour here and there, I have however been writing and reflecting on all the wonderful interview data I have amassed. I also had the completely wonderful opportunity of giving not one...not two...but THREE guest lectures last semester at two local universities. And no, it's not because I'm brilliant (although I do like to think so), it's because my friends are all teaching the courses and wanted guest speakers! ;-)  Even so, the experiences were fantastic and I learned as much from the students as I hope they learned from me. It was such a blast to be able to talk with enthusiastic undergrads and even more fun to bounce around ideas with them, share research methods & advice, and perhaps most importantly, listen to their perspectives on hooking up - from both the girls AND the boys! 

Unfortunately, I can never really keep up with the many different media depictions/developments around hookup culture. Thankfully, friends and acquaintances keep me in the loop. And one student at Cal brought to my attention (thank you, you know who you are!!) the November 21, 2008 episode of the Tyra Banks Show's  expose cum intervention about the Ashley Madison Agency ..a site for married women and the tagline of which is "For when Monogamy becomes Monotony". 

What do you think about how Tyra approached this topic and how she handled her guests and the site creator? See for yourself...the episode is salaciously entitled "Inside the Secret World of a Dating Service for Cheaters". Evidently, the Ashley Madison Agency has been making the talk show circuit rounds (Howard, Ellen, Dr. Phil), but we'll just start with Tyra for now: 

Mired in Data and Date-ing

Hello dear readers...
It's been a long time...I know. But I'm not going to apologize this time. Nope. No-sir-ee. This time I am going to tell you what I have been up to....as I'm sure inquiring minds want to know!

I've been *buried* in my dissertation research....which means sorting through tons of notes and memos and newspaper articles and emails and magazine clips and academic publications and popular press books and interview transcripts and survey responses. Is your head spinning yet? Mine is. But what this means is that I have all sorts of DATA on hook up culture and the internet and love and desire and intimacy and hope. Lots of good stuff, but lots of good stuff which needs lots of good organizing.

But even through the mundane of project management...I am absolutely giddy with excitement about being so close to finishing my dissertation research and more importantly compiling and reviewing and analyzing all the fantastic interview data I have. I am so totally excited about what has emerged in terms of predominant themes. And no, I'm not going to get into it in the right here and now. But I think it's good. And I hope that you will think so, too.

In other exciting news, I've been on a little bit of a dating rampage. I go through these phases where I want to date, and so I activate a couple of profiles I have online and then the winks and messages and icebreakers start pouring in and then I become overwhelmed by it all and want to hibernate. My friends roll their eyes each time I announce (about every 3-4 weeks on average) that I am going to go on a "dating sabbatical". Sure. They claim they will believe it when I see it. And perhaps so shall I. But in the meantime, I've had some good times, which I may relate to you all later (when I have the time). In the meantime, I've come across this fantastic dating blog that reflects rather well my own experience in the realm of potential love and companionship. Ms E-Dater shares all that it means to traverse the world of online dating in wonderful detail:

Confessions of a Serial E-Dater.

Enjoy! Until next time dear readers...
xoxo Sasha

OMG....where have I been???

Dearest readers,

I'm sure you've been waiting with bated breath for a new post from me. And (GASP) it has been well over a month since I have posted. Blasted me!! How could I neglect you all for so long? Well, truth be told, I've been spending lots of time working and interviewing absolutely wonderful women for the research study (more on that in a moment) as well as bouncing around attending local conferences and retreats.

In addition to practicing the most recent all the rage American activity (the Stay-cation), I had an opportunity to attend BlogHer 08...held in my freezing ass foggy home town -- well at least during the summer. Familiar with that (ahem, incorrectly attributed, but factually accurate) Mark Twain quote about San Francisco? Yep, coldness.

Now are all are my parens annoying you? If so, sorry!

Anyway, it was positively fantastic to see such a critical mass of women converge and talk about all things blogging and BlogHer. Indeed, my two most favorite things from the conference (besides meeting all the cool peeps of course) were:

1) The Sex and Relationships break out session facilitated by the totally awesome Everyday Goddess herself;

and

2) Testing out the  Nintendo Wii Fit in the exhibitor hall. Have you ever tried it? I was dubious about the Wii Fit for eons...I honestly thought I would just be exercising perhaps my carpal tunnel flare-ups, but I was oh so wrong....the real time feedback and coaching is like the best thing EVER. Look for yoga classes in my living room sometime oh so soon....

So all in all BlogHer 08 was great and I came away with some fantastic blogging pearls of wisdom, along with lots of free goodies and some new blogging friends (I'll update the links soon, or maybe do a special BlogHer 08 Link Love?)

In other news, the dissertation research is moving along fantastically, and I have about 6 more weeks until I have to be out of the field proper (i.e. no more participant interviews). While my in person interview recruitment is moving along splendidly, the survey is a little slower than I'd like. (See sidebar for link, please feel free to forward to your friends). As for the in person interviews I am already starting to see several consistent themes emerge from the interview data, and I will blog about that more generally once I leave the field. So that's it for now, lovely readers. More soon! XOXO Sasha

Sleeping around on Craigslist

When people ask about my research on hook up culture, online dating and casual sex, they always want to know about the down and dirty stuff. What kind of stories do you hear from your participants, they ask me oh so subtle like?

Of course, like my love life, I really don't kiss (or talk) and tell. At least not until the dissertation is published. And yes, I have heard some very crazy stories, but mostly I am interested in the implications these crazy stories or casual encounters in general, have on women's day to day lives....on their pysche, on their emotions and on their perceptions of the world.

But for those of you with inquiring minds, who would like to know what some women may experience on Craigslist...and better yet, the mechanics of how Casual Encounters works, here's a fantastic and entertaining write up by two forty something women, Lily and Anna, in the East Bay Express:

Sleeping Around on Craigslist

Now don't ya want to share your stories with me? ;-)

Until next time! XOXO Sasha

Girl Power

Hello dear readers,

An update on where I've been, what I've been doing and what I have planned...um finally! Overall, everything has been going quite well (although I've been neglecting my blog....bad bad bad me, what a surprise) and the research study is moving along at a great pace. I have been meeting the most fascinating women ever in my research, and am continually amazed at the stories about dating, sex and love in our crazy times that they share with me. It's fantastic stuff and I can't wait to share it with you all once the I start writing.

In the meantime, I've come across this great marketing campaign called "The Girl Effect". Yes, I know that there is a big corporate backer behind it all, but that doesn't mean the message isn't wrong. Do your part, I know I shall:

Until next time. XOXO Sasha

Link Love - 5.16.08

It's that time again....link love time:

Modern Love:

One student's take on love, sex and dating today....do you agree?

Self Love:

Because you're never too old to Take Care Down There

Swinger Love:

Swingtown - the new show about swingers in the swinging 70's

BlogHer Love:

BlogHer's Global Giving Campaign....supporting women the world over

Uh...Inmate Love?

'Cuz jailbirds need love, too.

That's it for now, dear readers. More later. XOXO Sasha

It's the little things that matter, right?

Greetings dear readers....

It's been a long time, I know. Punish me now (or not). So what have I been up to recently? Tons and tons. But more on that later. Christopher XY and I had dinner last night, so that we could catch up one another's (love) lives. His is going great, as is mine, I think (but I'm not tellin').

Most of the time when we get together, we like to choose a new restaurant that neither one of us have been to. It makes for an interesting time generally, and a common new shared experience. Last night we chose a place that we were both looking forward to trying out. Initially, it looked like it would be a really promising meal and then some. An interesting menu, creative dishes, a good wine list, attentive service....even a hook under the table to hang my bag (ladies, you know that there is nothing worse than putting your purse on the dining floor, really). 

Sigh. But things kind of went downhill from there. While the place itself had a nice ambiance, and the presentation of each course was absolutely stellar (can you say gorgeous eye candy).... beyond the aesthetics the dishes just didn't really deliver. And that was a shame. One dish needed way more salt. Another one had TOO much salt. And dessert? Burnt.

Why do I share this with you? Because I think that trying out new restaurants, is in its own little way, a metaphor for the whole dating experience. When you first go out with someone, things might look good, even promising, at the onset. But then reality kicks in. And sometimes it's the big things that are a deal breaker. And other times its the little things that are deal makers. And as much as you want to like a new place, or a new someone, and give them the whole 5 star accolade, they merit much less. But in the end, it's all good. It's that whole Forrest Gump thing.....life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you like the taste a bite will give you, and other times you don't. So you just keep searching. And that's not so bad, now is it?

BlogHer '08

Hooray, the agenda for BlogHer 2008 has been announced! I'm excited that it is going to be held in San Francisco. Thankfully, I won't have to go far to participate...and I certainly don't have to worry about a certain airline cancelling my flight! Yet another opportunity to meet/see/hear the cool women bloggers I've been following. Here's the official badge to post on your site....although I'm still figuring out how to post this on the sidebar. Sigh.

Maintaining separate identities no more....

Hello dear readers,
Again, I've been terrible about updating my blog - aren't you positively, absolutely sick of seeing me write that? I'm sick of writing it too. But I have no good excuse, other than I have been buried in work and in research! Exciting news however, my research study is alive and kicking....the online web survey (via Survey Monkey) is now live....and inquiring minds want to know what you think about all things love, sex and hooking up. Won't you indulge me??

If you pop on over to the About page, you'll see that I disclose that I am a researcher. I've kind of kept my research persona separate from this blog because well, I don't know. I just have. But if you check out the survey (link below), you shall see who I am, and know a little bit more about me (assuming of course, that is what you desire). So yes, while I am a ethnographer/anthropologist in training, conducting research about love and sex and intimacy,  I am also a modern woman constantly thinking about love, sex and intimacy....outside of the constraints of research questions. Kind of just like a normal person. I get together with my girlfriends and we talk alot about boys and dating. And I think alot about how the internets may be changin' the rules and boundaries around love and sex and so forth. Or maybe it's not that love or sex is changing with our new fangled technologies, but rather that we as a society are moving towards new ways of conceptualizing intimate relationships ...as a result of the many ways we can now keep in touch.

Where was I going with all of this? Oh yes - maintaining a separate persona. For a long time, I wanted to keep my academic work separate from my personal life. But really, it's kind of one and the same I am figuring out. Um, and I know that for the guys I date, that's kind of scary. (But gentlemen, you should know by now that I don't kiss and tell....well, not online that is!)

In any event, I am interested in what YOU have to say about this whole huge and complex topic. And if you're interested, here's a chance to participate in the web survey. Sorry, boys, it's for GIRLS only! 

Click Here to take the Survey Monkey Online Dating and Hooking Up Survey!

Check it out and tell me what you all think and in the meantime I shall keep you updated as I start to analyze the data. Your thoughts count!