All Sasha

Compatibility

From the M-W Online Dictionary:

Etymology: Middle English, from Medieval Latin compatibilis, literally, sympathetic, from Late Latin compati

Date: 15th century

1: capable of existing together in harmony <compatible theories> <compatible people>2: capable of cross-fertilizing freely or uniting vegetatively3: capable of forming a homogeneous mixture that neither separates nor is altered by chemical interaction4: capable of being used in transfusion or grafting without immunological reaction (as agglutination or tissue rejection)5: designed to work with another device or system without modification; especially : being a computer designed to operate in the same manner and use the same software as another computer

Aaahhhh.....COMPATIBILITY.  Such an elusive concept that so many people strive for, don't you think? Certainly I think humans are socialized to find compatible others....be that social circles, friends and romantic love/sex interests.

Compatibility in the larger sense is however, a truly elusive concept, subject to temporal and situational considerations. For example, I spent years devoted to what I perceived as "compatible" relationships...those which met the needs, desires, wants and goals of a given time period in my life.

 

Ultimately, I realized that perceptions or constructions of compatibility are subject to the whims of any given moment in time. That is, what or with whom I am compatible will only work within a particular configuration of my life perspective. Oh, have I lost you now, dear reader?

Do you ever wonder...when you meet someone with whom you are so drawn, but in every way you know they are someone with whom you are decidedly not compatible, what could be? What the possibilities of such an engagement hold?  I wonder, would it be different at a another time point in my life? What about those relationships that cannot be determined by a compatibility dictum?   

What do we define as compatability in romantic relationships....is it good sex? Is it communication? Is it a certain drawn breath or whisper of sweet nothings in an ear? Is it the way you are touched or a look of tenderness? Or is it simply as mundane a consideration as leaving the toilet seat down when you're done?

I wonder sometimes what we take for granted, what is given? What are the possibilities accorded any kind of interaction or engagement...and where do we factor compatability into a larger equation of happiness? Enough with the questions. As usual, I have no answers. But I want us to ponder this further. Until next time....

A meme and ode to Bai Ling

Every so often, I will post a meme of sorts. Here is one.

Anyone who knows me, knows why I love the movie 2046. It's because of the character played by Zhang Ziyi, Bai Ling and her infatuation with the lead male played by Tony Leung, a tortured writer in love with the past, and another woman, and who is really not interested in her, but bides his time with her, while searching for someone or something more novel.

"

Bai Ling is the iconic Asian female of eras past, perpetuating stereotypes of the willing, wanting, wistful woman. Trying hard to keep (trap) a man who is not devoted to her...but to another, any other, woman, but her.

There is no deeper message for this post. Other than I am attached to the following exchange, and how it might possibly relate to the state of relationships, hook ups or otherwise:

Bai Ling: "Why can't it be like before? Please don't go. Stay with me tonight. Let me borrow you."

Bai Ling: "I don't get it. Were does all that fun get you? If you find the right person, why waste time on the others?"

Chow Mo Wan: "If I find the right person? A man like me has nothing much except free time. Thats why I need company."

Bai Ling: "So people are just time fillers to you?"

Chow Mo Wan: "I wouldn't say that. Other people can borow my time too".

Bai Ling: "And tonight? Are you borrowing me, or am I borrowing you?"

Chow Mo Wan: "No difference. Maybe I borrowed you earlier, now you're borrowing me."

Bai Ling: "Ridiculous".

I like to Kiss. Do you?

Today's post dear readers will be all about Link Love!

First off, Scientific American has a fantastic article on the current research around kissing: Affairs of the Lips: Why we Kiss

Next up, Sex Blogger extraordinaire Violet Blue has a great podcast where she reads from Chapter 4 of her newly published Sex Ed Audio Book "How to Kiss". Having experienced all the different types of kisses she describes (and then some!) I think it's a great primer for the novice and expert alike. Check it out here: open source sex 61">Open Source Sex 61

Speaking of kissing, ever wonder where America really gets it on? Sure, one would think that it would maybe be the city known best for the Summer of Love, but surprisingly it is not. In fact, Forbes.com (I know, you're thinking FORBES as quality data??). Yes, Forbes.com recently completed a series examining which American cities ranked highest (or lowest, depending upon how you look at it) when it comes to each of the Seven Deadly Sins. Check it out and tell me what you think. I was surprised at some of the results, but then not sure these rankings are based on scientific rigor. Still fun however!

That's it for now. See you soon. XOXO Sasha

Bust-ed, Sex 2.0 and more!

Alas dear readers, I find myself apologizing for being so bad about posting recently. I've been trying to keep up with lots of different deadlines and so have been bad, bad, bad.

However, lots of exciting things going on. The oh so cool ladies at Bust Magazine have added me to the Sex-E links on their Girl Wide Web roll . Here's the cool seal of approval they send when they link your site to theirs - look for it in the sidebars very soon (i.e. once I figure out how to incorporate it there)!

I'm totally thrilled that they approve of my blog because if you know anything about Bust at all...you know that they have been "Busting stereotypes about women since 1993". I hope you find them to be as irreverent, honest and refreshing about women and pop culture, as I do.

In other totally exciting news, I am looking forward to attending the first Sex 2.0, a conference to be held in Atlanta in April. According to the conference website, Sex 2.0:

"will focus on the intersection of social media, feminism, and sexuality. How is social media enabling people to learn, grow, and connect sexually? How is sexual expression tied to social activism? Does the concept of transparency on-line offer new opportunities or present new roadblocks — or both?"

And while I'm all about badges and such, here's one for the Sex 2.0 conference:

Lastly, you will see that I have a new profile pic up. My sister told me that she hated the other one, so of course I have to appease her. So here's a new one for ya!

Valentine's Day: A Survival Guide Playlist

When we talk about dating and relationships and hookups and sex, it is often assumed that we know what the hell we are doing.   (Well, actually, I do, but that's another story dear reader).   Not exactly so, as one need only look at the niche market dedicated to "How to have a <<insert some imperative love/sex/intimacy related issue here>>".   But what about the fundamental practices - e.g.  kissing, flirting, getting numbers - that could elevate a potential love or sex interest to that all important next level?   Well, thanks to the cool folks at  Howcast , a new genre of video content streaming teaches  you "How to Do Anything" your little heart desires. 

• How to Flirt? Check.
• How to Kiss? Check.
• How to get rid of a One Night Stand? Check.
• How to tell if your Significant Other is Psycho? Check.

My personal favorite is How to Get Rid of a Hickey:

While they've created a special Valentine's Day Playlist with all sorts of topics to help you survive the day, what is uber cool about Howcast is how they obtain content for their site, including from:

• In house directors/producers/writers/filmmaking folk
• Collaborations with established filmmakers
• Emerging filmmakers
• Folks like you and me who want to upload a How to video or create/edit a Wiki

While I don't anticipate uploading a "How to Hook Up" video anytime soon…I DO think it's quite cool that they are cultivating new talent by partnering with academic programs to support emerging new filmmakers. They even provide the tools to make it happen (e.g. script, voice over, music, etc)  The creative juices just need to come from the students.  How cool is that???  They're still in beta, but check them out, because you can find out just about How to do Anything. As for me, I'll be perusing all the other categories they have. Enjoy! 

Oh "Love" is in the air...

The Valentine's Day machine is in full swing. Everywhere one looks there is some configuration or design of candy, flowers, red, pink, Valentine's blah blah blah. I confess, I did send stuff (cards, games) to my niece and nephew, but they're little kids. As an adult, the day is just SO overhyped. I prefer to experience the intimate and romantic moments of my life when and wherever they shall occur....not because the commercial interests dictate so.

However with the V-Day madness, come a breadth of popular media features dedicated to all things eros. What most recently caught my eye....Time Magazine's The Science of Romance: Why we need love to survive. An interesting evolutionary biology perspective on love that covers falling in love, maintaining love and when love goes wrong (bad love). Fascinating information. Check it out....

Spread the love

Because I am an anthropologist, you, dear reader, will from time to time, be subject to my anthropological musings, rants and raves. I just finished reading Michelle Rosaldo's essay Women, Culture and Society: A Theoretical Overview in her and my uber cool professor Louise Lamphere's edited volume of the same name: Women, Culture & Society. She states in the first paragraph:

As anthropologists looking at the roles and activities of women, we are confronted, from the outset, with an apparent contradiction. On the one hand, we learn from the work of [Margaret] Mead and others of the extraordinary diversity of sex roles in our own and other cultures. And on the other, we are heirs to a sociological tradition that treats women as essentially uninteresting and irrelevent, and accepts as necessary, natural, and hardly problematic the fact that, in every human culture, women are in some way subordinate to men."

I liked this passage because I believe that when we espouse perhaps less open, more constrained ways of thinking around sex roles, we continue to subjugate women (oh God, get me off my feminist soapbox now) to the perceived greater importance and value of men. 

Case in point: What did we think of Christopher's post essentially saying that if a man was honest with a woman he is dating, about his inability to be monogamous with said woman, that would lead to less sex, not more, for both parties involved?

Such a position inherently assumes that the prestige values of human activities are attached to men. While I don't dispute that alot of men may think this way (i.e. must lie about being monogamous), to infer a directly causal relationship between the two smacks a little of tunnel vision. And sadly, the fact that Candi insists on monogamy while sleeping with/casually dating Christopher, shows that she too is falling victim to such socialized viewpoints around the supposed "natural" behavior of men and women and everything in between.

The other night I was having drinks with another man (a date) and we were discussing Christopher's post, and men's penchants in general around love and monogamy. He employed the evolutionary biology/psychology "Men are simply programmed to spread their seed" fallacy, er, perspective, and believed that "monogamy was just not a natural activity for men, because well it's biology".  Hmmph.

Indeed, while many theorists have acknowledged that biology is indeed one of a constellation of factors that contribute to human behavior; what people often forget is that biology becomes significant only as it is interpreted by humans. Hence, the social still reigns supreme.   

Don't get me wrong, dear readers. I'm not insisting on monogamy or even the converse. Or even trying to dichotomize.   I'm just asking us to step outside of the proverbial "box" of our collective way of deeply socialized thinking.  That's why I am interested in women that engage in hook-ups, because let's be honest, in this day and age, rarely do we want to talk about or acknowledge the fact that our mothers, sisters, daughters, etc may be using Craigslist Personals or Adult Friendfinder or some other hook up site to meet up with some guy (or gal) whom they're going to have an anonymous quickie with in the copy room over lunch. Believe it.

So in summary, I'd just like to say that guys aren't the only ones always on the look out for sex. And as I stated in my comments on Christopher's post - just because a girl demands monogamy, doesn't always mean that she is monogamous herself. Food for thought.

Rushing to Relationship Exclusivity: Part Two

I know it. You've been sitting by the computer waiting with bated breath to hear the conclusion. Don't lie. Well, you should know that I've spent these past two weeks doing field research on this topic.  Yes my dear readers, I do not harbor fantasies that my opinions and conclusions are infallible!

Oh, they are quite fallible. And some even downright offensive! Okay, I confess that most (all) of my field research was conducted inside of bars and yes, I was just using the research as a guise to pick up chicks (a line I have taken out of Ms. Sasha's book ;)).  And yes, the methodology employed was quite successful.  But the advice is what really matters, so herewith an account of the highlights:

· Laura (her real name). 31 year old freelance web designer. Looked at me with horror when I asked her if she required monogamy from men she was sleeping with. "Of course" was the answer, complete with the requisite eye-roll and snooty sneer. She actually looked as if I had killed her cat. At some point in the conversation, she called me an asshole (which actually turned me on, see part I). Then she walked away, but came back 5 minutes later to ask some unrelated work question. And we're going out next week (what is up with that anyway)?

· Two 21 year old girls (I couldn't recall their names if my life depended on it) who I met after hours in Scottsdale last Saturday (yes I went for the SuperBowl and yes I am a Giants fan and yes, it was fucking awesome). These girls had no idea what the hell was going on. Their idea of a relationship is 10 text messages followed by In & Out burger and jackrabbit sex in the back of their dad's Mercedes. I actually learned nothing from this experience except that I don't have as much energy as a I used to.

· Alex (not his real name) one of my oldest and best college friends. He's divorced with a daughter and has a bat-shit ex-wife (surprise!). Alex agrees with the face of my argument. But he cautioned me (he is wise beyond my years) that what I'm suggesting is a two-way street. Sometimes, he said, a girl that will agree to sleep with you without requiring exclusivity is probably sleeping with other guys too. He warned me that at some point I might give a shit. This is inconceivable to me, as that would mean that I'd have to actually care about a girl, and the premise of this Topic necessarily precludes that from every happening.

Boinkology

I have a new favorite website that I discovered through Violet Blue's LinkLove page, and it's Boinkology  - "Insightful Analysis of Sex and Culture: Because sex rocks and we should talk about it".

I couldn't agree more. And of course, with the taglines "Cute", "Dirty" and "Smart", they really caught my attention. And having just spent a good part of the evening perusing their site, I've decided that Boinkology has the All Sasha Good (Sex)keeping Stamp of Approval. MWAHHH!!